	Hello!  You appeared on ‘The Ellen DeGeneres Show’ recently as part of her ‘Human Tricks’ segment. You opened aluminum can tops with your teeth.  Oh, wow; the sound; the visuals; the surplus of high-tech dental prostheses that await you.  Your oral entertainment was impressive as was your exuberance for decapitating aluminum cans at will. Ellen appeared humorously mortified, but I was excited for you!  Now that the television audience has witnessed your gift for oral can-top amputation, I propose three career advancements for you that are sure to be ultra-successful… and amusingly inspiring for the dental community.

1) Official Spokesperson for the National Institute of Oral Oddities

	Not only would this opportunity be the first of its kind but the only one of its kind.  You would single-handedly procure an untapped resource for representing the field of study known as, “This guy’s a riot!  Umm… why does he do that now?”

2) Test subject for the new product, SillyGuard!: Enamel and Jaw Joint Protector for Silly Oral Practices

	Since this revolutionary dental product is still in its infancy stage, mandatory and extensive testing is required to ensure its safety and efficacy.  Your availability for daily testing is crucial; researchers at the lab must continually stick things in your mouth.  You’ll be entitled to a one hour lunch break as well as two, ten minute sanity breaks.  No pain, no gain, right?

3) Live demonstrations of your talent at yearly Chicago Dental Society Midwinter Meetings

	This is a huge opportunity for you.  Granted, it’s not a nationally televised event like The Ellen DeGeneres Show, but it would be a wonderful platform to showcase your aluminum can annihilation and oral awesomeness.  The next meeting is coming up this February!

	Your future of perpetual dental work awaits you.  Make us proud!  

Articles

Follow-up to the Human Can Opener

	It was not a typical day. I was writing; nothing unusual there. Suddenly, my daughter made her Fisher Price princess toy yell at my husband’s William Shakespeare figurine. Why she deemed it necessary to hurl three-year-old insults at poor, ole' Bill I’ll never know; the spongey mind of a pre-kindergartner is truly a mystery. I approached Syd ever so cautiously and sat down next to her.
	
	“Why is the princess scolding William Shakespeare, honey?” 
	
	“He’s being a troublemaker, Mommy.”
	
	“Oh.” I said cocking my head sheepishly in the hopes my kid wouldn’t wind up for an eye-twitching tantrum if I asked why.
	
	“Troublemakers don’t play nice,” replied Syd as her index finger began the treacherous journey up her nose.
	
	I recently read an article by a hygienist who talked about ‘troublemakers’ in dental offices who may have been at risk of getting fired for their trouble-making ways; strange that Syd would mention that word.
	
	“I know, bug, but there’s no need to be rude back.  I mean, he’s William Shakespeare.”
	
	Wait a minute. What did I tell her? Shakespeare is being a tool to my kid. He should use some common sense. Syd is only three and three-quarters old. Someone should teach this guy some bloody manners.  I’ve got to do something.
	
	Wait... I’m a troublemaker.
	
	I’m an instigator; an initiator; a boat-rocker, and an agitator.  I’ve questioned why full-mouth implants were performed on an eighty-year-old man who was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer.  I’ve inquired why a ‘family friend’ of a monetarily, struggling dentist had a $10,000 balance but was never asked to start paying on his bill.  I once gave the silent treatment to a dentist for the day because I learned he and his assistant shared a hotel room together on a ‘continuing education’ excursion.  
	
	I haven’t minded my own business.  I stuck my nose so far up others’ affairs the longest 2x2 plank couldn’t get it out.  One would think I had learned my lesson by now: shut my mouth, stay silent, and keep my opinions to myself.  If I commit to that ideal hopefully I’ll still have a job.  Be agreeable.  Don’t question anything.  Acquiesce. 
	
	That’s excellent advice.  I do, however, have a problem with that:  I won’t settle for mediocrity.  None of us should.
	
	If something ‘smells funky’ ask why.  If your standards aren’t being met say something.  If the coffee is too weak make it stronger. 
	
	After my daughter eventually released her finger out of her nostril, I attempted to explain my child-friendly definition of what a ‘troublemaker’ is.  She got bored and stuck the same finger in her ear.  Great.

		Entry 1: Journal of a changed hygienist

modernhygienist.com-2011-01-01

Follow-up to the Human Can Opener

I love trouble